Here’s how to get in the mood for sex when you have “responsive” sexual desire

Heres how to

Many women (about 70%) have a naturally more “responsive” way of getting in the mood for sex.

I’ve written a whole post about it here, but in a nutshell if that’s you, you’ll most likely WANT to have sex AFTER you become aroused.

For men, its generally the other way round. And women often think there’s something wrong with them if this is their experience. That’s because our understanding of sex has always been based on the way men think about sex, not women (again, there a whole post on this here).

Being more responsive than spontaneous is completely normal and nothing to worry about.

You can vary in your response too. For example, at the beginning of my relationship I was REALLY spontaneous but I’ve drifted to responsive (more on this later). And at times I’ll be more spontaneous (which often depends on my period cycle – more about that here)!

It can feel pretty crappy if you feel like there’s something wrong with you and your level of sexual desire. Especially if you think you should be more spontaneous.

However, I’ll share with you my tried and tested tips and tricks below to help you get in the mood for sex quicker!

How to get in the mood for sex

Tip One: Just Do It

Because often we need to get aroused before we actually want sex, sometimes that means we just need to get stuck in and go for it, even if we don’t feel horny!

There’s obviously a word of caution around consent and what that means (Emily Nagoski explains that perfectly here).

I can think of plenty of times I felt like I couldn’t be bothered, couldn’t relax and focus on sex, or was too tired. But once I started, I remembered how great sex is and how much I enjoy it, and I ended up feeling SO much better after it.

Top tip: the next time you have great sex, write yourself a motivational note about how good it was! Remind yourself what you like about it, how it made you feel, what you enjoyed. I guarantee it’ll help remind you the next time you make excuses to yourself.

Tip Two: Reframe What Sex Means For You

Here's how to get in the mood for sex when you have "responsive" sexual desire

Without realising it, we can put sex at the bottom of our list of priorities. Especially when we have countless other demands on our time and attention, sex can feel like the last thing you fancy at the end of a busy day.

Top tip: instead of thinking of sex as just the physical act, there are lots of more positive ways you can approach it, for example- as an act of self-care. That way, it takes on a new meaning and is so much more than just sex. Read the full post: “Reframing What Sex Means For You”.

Tip Three: Track What You Like And Learn From It

In this post I write more about how beneficial tracking what turns you on can be.

For some of us, we’ve never explored this area of our lives. Emily Nagoski’s sexual context tracker can help you reflect on the things you like sexually and what helps or hinders us in the build up to wanting sex. It helped me no end, and I’ve already started making the changes I need to help me in the bedroom!

Tip Four: Schedule In Sex (or not)

LOADS of sex therapists will tell you to put time in your diary specifically to have sex. This allows you to build up the anticipation and to put aside time in advance.

Personally, this approach isn’t for me.

My boyfriend and I have schedules that often change quite quickly so any schedule we have would often have to be quite flexible. I also found myself resenting and dreading the approaching sexual date as it loomed closer, and I felt under pressure to force myself to have sex. It also never gave me the chance to build up my desire to initiate sex.

Instead, I prefer to use the tracker above to work out the triggers that help me get in the mood. I see this as my “sex window”, or the optimum conditions I know I need to have sex.

For example, I found I always worried about how much time we had available to have sex and how long it would take, especially if it was late at night and I was tired.

Now I know that I need at least an hour of a clear diary to really allow me to relax to have sex. This means I can initiate sex at different times when I know the conditions are right for me. And so can my boyfriend now he knows my needs.

This Huffington Post article might help you with more ideas on how to schedule sex in different ways.

Tip Five: Get Sex On The Agenda.

Its a fact. The more you have sex, the more you’ll want it. It’s just getting you there.

They say men think about sex every 6 seconds. It might be because they’re more socialised to think about sex than us. But it also might be part of the reason behind their spontaneous desire!

I know I need to be prompted, otherwise I’d never think about it. But the more I have sex, the more I think about it, the more it becomes part of my every day life, and I’m more likely to spontaneously think about it. What a great cycle to be in!

Top tip: Try to set yourself a reminder to “think about sex” every few days. That doesn’t necessarily mean have sex, just think about it! I set a phone reminder for myself. To get me thinking, I might spend some time reading an erotic story, remembering some great sex, or touching myself. I think of it as an investment in myself and a way of increasing my sexual health, just as you might put a face mask on or get a massage for your physical health!

Tip Six: : Learn how to leave your distractions at the door….

Mastering this is a tough one. We’ve all got worries and thoughts that rattle around our brain like marbles. I know I certainly find it so tough to switch off from the outside world and stop thinking about what I need to do the next day.

Top tip: keep a notebook next to your bed and try to write down all of your worries before bed. My blog will have loads more tips and tricks coming soon on switching off the outside world and switching ON your sex drive.

Tip Seven: The Mind Association Game

It takes longer to cook a burger on a cold BBQ…

If all else fails, you can trick yourself into kick starting your sexual response!

You can do this using both your body and your mind. One easy way of doing this is using a lubricant- I love JO H20 because it’s fragrance free (they haven’t paid me for saying that, honest!) to warm up your body.

Another is learning to associate one object with pleasure.

For example, I have a vibrator (the Tracey Cox Wand… bloody hell I’d recommend it!). I know using it is a surefire way of making me orgasm. Every time I bring it out now, its so associated with pleasure that I can get into the mood much quicker. You can do the same with anything- a nightie, a pair of pants, a whip, a song…. whatever floats your boat!

Read my full post on this here.

Love,

Mother Pearl

xx

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One Comment on “Here’s how to get in the mood for sex when you have “responsive” sexual desire”

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