The hopeful, helpful, empowering guide for when you don't feel like having sex

When you want sex, do you feel it or think it first?

When you want sex, do you feel it or think it first?
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This week the boyf has been away, and I’ve spent his absence thinking a lot about sex. Or rather, not thinking about sex. Even writing a blog post about sex I’m not thinking about it!

I’ve realised that how much you think about sex on a day to day basis is directly linked to whether your sexual desire isĀ “impulsive” or “responsive”. (To read more on this, read my main post on “An Essential Guide to Your Sex Drive”.)

And this got me thinking: where does your desire to have sex come from?

Do you feel sex or think sex first?

It’s a bit of a chicken or egg scenario sometimes isn’t it. Where did that sexual spark begin- upstairs or downstairs?

For sexually impulsive people, they tend to think about sex first (think- desire) and then feel it (feel- arousal). So their sex drive begins in their heads and moves to their bodies. Men are most likely to be impulsive… perhaps that’s why they think about sex every 7 seconds! And if you are sexually impulsive, you’re more likely to get unprompted thoughts about sex… whilst doing the washing up, or in a boring work meeting and your mind wanders.

For us responsive people (more likely to be women), we often feel (get aroused) first, in response to physical contact. This results in us thinking about sex or lusting after someone (desire- think). So, our horninessĀ begins in our body and spreads to our head once we’re getting in the mood. We’re less likely to think about sex at random points during the day, as our sexual on-switch is activated by others/when we touch ourselves.

In simple, terms, this is the breakdown:


Making the distinction is important, because then we can begin to think how we work on our levels of desire!



Mother Pearl


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