The hopeful, helpful, empowering guide for when you don't feel like having sex

This is the perfect way to find out what turns you on: the libido tracker

This is the perfect way to find out what turns you on: the libido tracker
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Our sexual accelerator

In this post I wrote about our sexual braking system (what turns us off). Being turned ON happens best when there’s an absence of turn OFFs (things like stress, distraction, worry).

But, great news… We also have a sexual accelerator! These are all of the things that encourage us to get turned on.

What turns us on can be totally different for everyone.

Sexual desire is a subjective feeling, triggered by both internal and external things.

Therefore, what I’d find super sexual you might find totally unappealing. There are lots of random fetishes out there- people are turned on by trees, light bulbs, the smell of almonds…. Its every woman for herself when it comes to what does get you going!

But, there are some things that we all have in common. So to begin with, for all of us to feel desire there is normally some kind of “erotic stimuli”….. or in laymans terms, something that gets our juices flowing.

Different things that could stimulate us are:

  • Fantasy/thought/memory (of someone attractive, a steamy sex session, a specific body part that you like, an object that you like the thought of)
  • Pictures/image/video (this could be pornography, or maybe a sext from the boyf, or maybe an erotic novel!)
  • Smell (maybe aftershave, suntan lotion, the smell of your BO- yes, my boyfriend is completely animalistic in the way he loves my sweaty pits!)
  • Taste (chocolate, cum, strawberries, lube, strawberry lube- take your pic!)
  • Music (I quite like a bit of Ella Fitzgerald, but each to her own)
  • Physical stimulation/touch (again, the hand on the lower back, it’s a winner every time!)
  • A flurry of hormones

Finding out what turns YOU on

When you think you are struggling with a low sex drive, all of your attention and focus tends to be on the times you don’t feel like having sex.

Which means you focus on whats going wrong, not whats right.

Tracking what turns you on, and what feels good, is a great place to start learning about what you like and your own patterns and trends with sex. It can also help you take more control over your sex drive.

Emily Nagoski has an amazing tracker which I used to reflect on what turns me on- I can’t recommend it enough. You can access it here.

I used it after every 2-3 times I’d had sex, and I realised so many things about myself and my likes, dislikes, and importantly, began to identify a pattern of times when I’d been more horny and less.

I learned that I’m more responsive than spontaneous (although there were times I’d initiated which I was really proud of myself for).

Interestingly, I was most turned on when wearing a piece of clothing (namely a top- cheeky!) and I also struggled to want sex if I was tired or didn’t feel there was enough time. Because most of my boyfriends initiation happened late at night in bed, these were not the best conditions for me to want to have sex in.

We’ve already started making changes based on what I’ve learned to improve our sex lives. Are you ready to?


Mother Pearl


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