Have you ever wondered what other people feel like if they have a low sex drive?
Its something that we never talk about, right?
Because, in our society, it can seem like EVERYONE is having sex.
If you feel that everyone else’s vagina is on fire and yours has been extinguished its easy to feel low.
I’m guessing you’re here because you’ve had the same problem. So read on to find out about my experiences – I hope my story helps you feel less alone.
What does it feel like to have a low sex drive?: My story…
I felt sick thinking about going to bed
I don’t ever really think about sex.
Day to day, it’s just not on my radar. I’m so tired after work and the various other things that go on in my life, sex is just never a priority, and its the last thing on my mind when I go to bed.
The funny this is, I do have sex. When my boyfriend touches me, I get horny. Sometimes it might take a while, sometimes I just can’t focus or relax or enjoy it as much as I used to. But, we definitely have sex.
The huge problem for me personally is the build up, because I know that sex is coming, and I work myself up into thinking of any excuses I can use. Some nights, I feel sick at the thought of going to bed. Any time I know he might try and initiate sex I freeze. I panic. I feel dread, and try to avoid it. I’ll put off any intimacy as long as I can.
Although I’ve never tried the old “I’ve got a headache” tactic, I’ve for sure used every other trick in the book.
The worst point came for me a few months ago. He wanted sex, and I wanted to want to have sex. He initiated it, my body reacted. But in my head, my worry was spiralling, my brain searching for that sexual spark and not the avalanche of thoughts that I have about my ideas for a future career, about the pile of washing on the floor, how I was going to get to work tomorrow.
And I found myself in an out-of-body experience, looking down and thinking that my boyfriend must feel like he is having sex with a corpse.
Feeling like you have a low sex drive can feel quite a lonely place to be
It was awful. I felt completely numb.
It was just that my body felt like it was doing what it should, but my brain was totally disconnected, and in my panic to bring it back to my body it was reaching higher and higher into the clouds. If I could paint it in a picture, my body would be grey and my mind would be a frenzied doodle of loads of colours and squiggles. And that is such a lonely place to be.
It felt a bit like the bottom has dropped out of my whole personality, so that a lot of my cheeky spark, flirtacious nature, sensuality, perhaps even my whole idea of “being a woman” has just avalanched out of me, so that I am just a frame but no stuffing…. Gosh, how depressing is that!
Initially, my boyfriend cautiously raised with me the fact that I didn’t seem to enjoy sex anymore. He mentioned that I never seemed to initiate it, want it, and did I still find him attractive?
I was so mad at my boyfriend for initially bringing it up. I became defensive, panic-stricken, angry. What was he suggesting- that I’m boring in bed? That the spark has gone from our relationship? That I’m past it sexually? (With my 30th birthday looming, this was then blown slightly out of proportion).
Of course we talked it through. I had a big cry. My boyfriend just hugged and hugged me and I was able to tell him what has been going on and we’re working it through together.
But one interesting question I keep asking myself is, why haven’t I spoken with my mates about my problems in the bedroom?
I’d tell them if I had great sex, I’d tell them if I had crappy sex or if my boyfriend was having difficulties. But why not me?
The only place I felt I could turn to was online.
Improving my sex drive- a message of hope
I felt overwhelmed, confused and panicked
As I was researching my own low sex drive, I felt overwhelmed, confused and panicked. Was there something medically wrong with me? Did I need to take a pill? See a sex therapist?
I also read “quick fix” articles that in 800 words promised to cure all of my problems, when I knew it ran much deeper than that and wouldn’t be an overnight cure.
Then I stumbled across some articles that explained sex drive to me in a way I understood (see my full post about that here).
And others that talked about the way that as a society we give women the wrong messages about their problems.
We medicalise, prescribe pills and pathologise women for their lack of desire to have sex, when infact our ideas about sexual response have always been defined in terms of a model made for men. If women are compared to men in this way, they’ll always come out lacking (read my full post about that).
Learning about this has opened my eyes to a whole new way of understanding my own sexual self. And when I realised this, I started to feel better. I started to look at myself in a different way and used different tools and tricks to learn about myself and what I like. And my sex drive started to increase.
We need a space to talk about it. And this blog is my way of sharing that knowledge with you.